Gottman’s 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work: The Calgary Couple’s Step‑By‑Step Guide To A Stronger Relationship
Many couples wait years before seeking support, even though Gottman research can predict divorce with more than 90% accuracy based on how partners interact.
We know that can feel intimidating, so in this guide we walk you through Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work and show how couples in Calgary can start applying them in daily life, with or without formal therapy.
Key Takeaways
| Question | Short Answer |
|---|---|
| What are Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work? | They are research-based habits that strengthen friendship, manage conflict, and build shared meaning, often used in Gottman Method couples counselling in Calgary. |
| Can these principles help if we are already in serious conflict? | Yes, but we often pair them with approaches like EFT to address deeper emotions, as described in our Emotionally Focused Therapy guide. |
| How do we know if we should try a workbook, workshop, or therapy? | Many Calgary couples start with resources like The Complete Couples Therapy Workbook and then add counselling if patterns feel stuck. |
| Is marriage counselling in Calgary worth the cost? | Research shows Gottman-based approaches can lead to long-term improvements, and you can learn more about expectations in our marriage counselling FAQ. |
| What if we are not legally married but in a long-term partnership? | Gottman’s 7 Principles apply to married and unmarried couples, and our couples counselling in Calgary supports all relationship structures. |
| Can attachment patterns affect how we use these principles? | Yes, and our attachment therapy Q&A explains how your attachment style can shape communication and connection. |
| How do we get personalized support using Gottman’s 7 Principles in Calgary? | You can schedule a no-pressure call through our free consultation page to explore next steps together. |
1. What Makes Gottman’s 7 Principles So Helpful For Calgary Couples?
Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work come from decades of observing real couples and identifying the behaviours that predict stability or separation.
For partners in Calgary balancing work, commuting, parenting, and Alberta’s economic ups and downs, these principles offer clear, practical skills you can actually use between busy days.
The 7 Principles focus on strengthening friendship, softening conflict, and creating a shared sense of “us.”
They fit well with the evidence-based approaches we use, including the Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and attachment-based work.
We often see couples arrive worried that “maybe we are too far gone.”
Once they begin using these principles intentionally, many describe feeling more hopeful and less alone in the work of repairing their relationship.
2. Principle 1: Build Love Maps – Really Knowing Your Partner’s Inner World
Gottman’s first principle is about “Love Maps,” which means keeping up-to-date knowledge of each other’s inner world.
For Calgary couples, this can mean tracking not only your partner’s favourite coffee shop, but also how work stress, family expectations, and cultural or faith communities shape their daily emotional landscape.
You might ask questions like, “What’s been weighing on you most this week?” or “What are you most looking forward to this month?”.
Short, curious check-ins often matter more than long, infrequent talks.
How To Practice Love Maps In Everyday Calgary Life
You can practice Love Maps while walking around your neighbourhood, driving on Deerfoot, or cuddling on the couch after putting the kids to bed.
The key is consistent, gentle curiosity rather than interrogation or problem solving.
We sometimes give couples structured questions from our resources to make this easier.
You can also use a free tool like The Complete Couples Therapy Workbook, which offers guided exercises at $0 to start conversations.
3. Principle 2: Nurture Fondness and Admiration – Choosing To Notice What Works
The second principle, fondness and admiration, is about building a culture of noticing what you appreciate in each other.
In Gottman’s research, relationships that thrive are not free from conflict, they simply maintain a stronger baseline of respect and affection.
In a Calgary context, that might mean intentionally appreciating the partner who shovels the driveway every snowfall.
Or it may look like naming how much you value your partner’s patience with your shift-work schedule.
Simple Practices For Everyday Appreciation
We often encourage couples to aim for a daily “thank you” that is specific and genuine.
For example, “Thank you for handling bedtime tonight so I could catch my breath.”
You might also use a short ritual, like texting one thing you admire about each other during your lunch break.
Small, steady gestures add up and make it easier to handle harder conversations when they come.
A visual guide to Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, tailored for couples in Calgary.
4. Principle 3: Turn Toward Instead Of Away – Responding To Bids For Connection
“Bids for connection” are the small ways partners reach for each other, like sharing a meme, sighing after a hard meeting, or asking, “Did you see the sky tonight?”.
In Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, turning toward those bids is a core skill that predicts long-term stability.
For Calgary couples, this can be as simple as pausing your email to look at what your partner is excited to show you.
Or saying, “Tell me more” when they mention worries about job security in the oil and gas sector.
Practical Ways To Turn Toward Each Other In Calgary Rhythms
You might build a small ritual when you reunite after work, such as a five-minute “How was your day really?” conversation.
Even a short, attentive response tells your partner, “You matter to me.”
If you miss a bid, repair quickly by acknowledging it.
For example, “I realize I was distracted earlier when you were talking about your meeting, can we revisit that now?”.
5. Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You – Sharing Power And Respect
This principle is about being open to your partner’s ideas, feelings, and needs instead of insisting on your own way.
In our Calgary practice, we see that when partners feel heard and considered, conflict often becomes more manageable.
Letting influence in does not mean agreeing with everything.
It means treating your partner as an equal whose input matters in decisions like finances, parenting, or where to live.
Examples Of Healthy Influence In Real Life
You might say, “I still prefer my idea, but I really see the logic in yours, can we combine them?”.
Or, “I did not realize weekends with your family are so important to you, let us plan around that.”
This principle is particularly powerful in cultures or families where one partner has historically held more decision-making power.
Shifting toward mutual influence can feel new, and we walk couples through this gently in sessions when needed.
6. Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems – Using Fair-Fight Skills
Gottman’s 7 Principles distinguish between “solvable” and “perpetual” problems.
Solvable problems are situation-based issues like chores, schedules, or how you spend weekends.
For Calgary couples, solvable problems might include who manages school drop-offs in winter or how to share financial responsibilities.
We focus on clear communication, gentle start-ups, and compromise to address these.
Tools For Handling Solvable Problems
You can use structured dialogues, where each partner gets time to speak without interruption.
We might also help you create simple agreements, such as “When conflicts arise after 10 pm, we pause and revisit in the morning.”
Resources like our guide on what not to say during couples counselling can highlight common communication pitfalls to avoid at home as well.
Practicing respectful language protects connection even when you disagree.
7. Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock – Understanding Perpetual Problems
Perpetual problems are recurring issues that stem from core values, personality differences, or life dreams.
Examples might include differing views on having more children, career changes, or how you relate to extended family.
Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work invite couples to stop trying to “win” these conflicts.
Instead, you explore the deeper story underneath each partner’s position.
Using Calgary-Focused Support For Gridlocked Issues
In our work with Calgary couples, gridlock often shows up around work travel, financial risk in volatile industries, or immigration-related stress.
We take time to understand what each of these choices represents emotionally, not just practically.
Sometimes, attachment-focused approaches help here too.
Our attachment therapy guide describes how early experiences and attachment styles can influence how gridlock feels and how you respond to it.
8. Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning – Building Your “We Story” In Calgary
The final principle is about creating shared meaning, which includes rituals, roles, goals, and values you hold as a couple.
This shared meaning acts as a buffer during hard seasons and helps you remember why you chose each other.
For Calgary couples, shared meaning could involve how you celebrate holidays, how you give back to your community, or how you navigate cultural or faith traditions.
It might also involve how you talk to children about resilience, money, or mental health.
Ideas For Growing Shared Meaning Together
You can co-create small rituals like Sunday walks along the Bow River, regular date nights, or tech-free mornings.
You might also discuss long-term dreams, such as where you want to live in ten years or what you want your family to be known for.
We often see couples deepen shared meaning when they begin counselling together.
Talking about “us” instead of only “me” and “you” can feel new, but it is a powerful shift.
9. How Gottman’s 7 Principles Fit With EFT And Other Therapies In Calgary
At Curio Counselling, we rarely see one approach as the only answer.
Instead, we often blend Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work with Emotionally Focused Therapy and attachment-based work to address both skills and deeper emotional patterns.
Gottman’s model gives structure and language for communication and conflict.
EFT focuses on the emotional bond, particularly patterns of pursuing, withdrawing, or shutting down.
Our EFT FAQ explains how this method can be especially helpful if you feel stuck in repeating fights or feel distant but cannot name why.
Combining these approaches helps Alberta couples not only talk differently, but also feel safer and more connected.
10. Getting Started With Gottman’s 7 Principles In Calgary: From Workbook To Counselling
You do not need to wait for a crisis to begin using Gottman’s 7 Principles.
Many Calgary couples start small at home and add professional support if they want more guidance.
Here is one practical path you might consider:
- Download a resource like The Complete Couples Therapy Workbook at $Free and try one exercise per week.
- Have a weekly “relationship meeting” where you check in on how each principle is going.
- Read more about local support options in our marriage counselling in Calgary FAQ guide.
- If you feel stuck, schedule a session with a Calgary therapist who uses Gottman-informed approaches.
You can learn more about our team’s training and approach on our About page, which highlights our commitment to evidence-based, trauma-informed care.
When you are ready, our free 20‑minute consultation can help you decide whether working with us feels like a good fit.
Conclusion
Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work offer a clear, research-based roadmap for couples who want a more connected, resilient relationship.
For partners in Calgary, these principles can be practised at home, supported by resources like free workbooks, and deepened through couples counselling when you need a safe, guided space.
We know that reaching out for help can feel vulnerable.
Our role is to walk alongside you with curiosity, compassion, and practical tools so you are not carrying this alone.
If you and your partner are ready to explore what your relationship could look like with more understanding and less tension, we would be honoured to support you.
You are welcome to start with a conversation, a workbook exercise, or a first session, and move at a pace that feels right for both of you.
The post Gottman’s 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work: The Calgary Couple’s Step‑By‑Step Guide To A Stronger Relationship appeared first on Curio Counselling.
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